Of course, you shouldn’t bring up every little thing that bothers you (like, “Your partner forgot to wring out the sponge again”). Not fun, but you’ll get through it, there are some problems that you should not ignore. People usually see clear red flags when they see things like abusive behavior or a big breach of trust. But some things that might not seem important at first glance could actually be a cause for worry. We asked marriage counselors to list some of the more subtle but possibly serious signs that something is wrong in a relationship that you shouldn’t look past.
1. Body Talk: Signs of Relationship Trouble
Relationship worry can hurt your body in many ways, such as giving you headaches, stomachaches, or trouble sleeping, to name a few. Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, said that if these symptoms seem to show up when you’re with your partner or just thinking about being with them, it could mean that something is wrong in the relationship. “Our bodies will sometimes tell us something is wrong in a relationship even if we can’t put our finger on it,” she said.
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2. Feeling Distant? Look Deeper
We all have bad days when we don’t feel close to our partners. But if these feelings of loneliness happen to you a lot over a period of time, you might want to look into why you feel so alone in the relationship. Marsh said, “It means that either you aren’t willing to connect with your spouse or your attempts to connect with your spouse are being turned down.” “Being lonely means you’re not connected with other people, either physically or mentally. You need to take action or the gap between you will get bigger.“
3. Fighting Fair: Key to Strong Bonds
There will always be disagreements in a friendship. One sign of a mature and healthy relationship is being able to talk about problems in a polite way. People in relationships who don’t know how to do this either scream at each other or don’t fight at all. They don’t deal with problems directly; instead, they hide them. Marsh said, “Too much fighting is a problem, but so is the other end of the spectrum: the lack of conflict.” “Strongly avoiding conflict can mean that one or both partners are afraid to bring up problems.” When you avoid short-term disagreement, you end up with long-term anger and a loss of connection. It’s the main reason why couples have “roommate syndrome,” where they get along but don’t feel close. Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in working with guys, said that both fighting all the time and avoiding conflict altogether can hurt a relationship. It’s common for couples to act like fighting isn’t a big deal. They’ll either say, “Every couple fights” or “We never fight,” as if that’s a good thing. He said that relationships are hurt by both fighting too much and never arguing.
4. Don’t Let Money Tank Love
When it comes to money, couples often have different ideas and goals. For example, one person spends more than they save, and one person wants to open a joint account while the other person prefers to keep their money separate. However, how a couple works out their differences shows a lot about their bond. Yes, talking about money can be awkward. But if you and your partner can’t figure out how to have a good chat, you might want to see a therapist. They can help you talk to each other better. There are a lot of couples who have money problems, Smith said. “They might not be able to talk about money, disagree about how much to spend and save, or use money in a way that hurts each other.” “In fact, money is always at the top of lists of reasons why people split up.” But couples almost never go to therapy to work out their money problems.
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5. From Fun to Fights: Teasing Gone Wrong
When two lovers joke around with each other, it’s only funny if both people are in on the joke. That being said, if you feel like your partner is constantly rolling their eyes at what you say or otherwise putting you down, that can hurt your self-esteem. Spencer Northey, a marriage and family therapist, said, “A pattern of putting someone down, making fun of them, or belittling them may point to a deeper disrespect or power imbalance.” “It can lead to anger and disrespect, which is awful for relationships.” Plus, don’t let your partner tell you that your response is “too sensitive.” It may feel like you have to ignore their mean words, but you shouldn’t have to. When your partner’s “playful” or casual words start to bother you, Northey said, “don’t just laugh it off.” “Talk about respect and sensitivity in a serious way.” “Don’t stay in a relationship where you aren’t treated equally.“
6. Knowing Your Limits
One of the good things about being in a close relationship is that you can ask your partner for help and emotional support. But your partner shouldn’t use you instead of a professional therapist, especially if they’re having a hard time with their mental health or a problem in their life. “Whether it’s dealing with a mood swing, more stressful situations at work, or a fight in the relationship, it can be hard to know when and how to help your partner and when they need more help,” said therapist Juan Olmedo. “An important thing to do is find out if the partner in need just wants someone to talk to or feedback and ideas on how to make things better.“
7. Trouble Deciding = Trouble in Paradise?
Making decisions is not something that everyone is naturally good at. Northey said that if it’s hard or impossible for you and your partner to make choices, no matter how small or big, it could mean that the relationship is less stable than you think. “It’s like when a couple can’t agree on where and when to go on vacation, so they never do,” she said. “Or they don’t go out very often because they can’t decide what to do, so they stay home.” Indecision on a larger scale could mean that a pair can’t decide where to live or, even worse, they aren’t sure how committed they are to each other and the relationship.
“People in a marriage may change their minds about whether they want to split up or stay together. “When people can’t decide, they often go back and forth in a frustrating way when they are trying to make important decisions,” Northey said. This might be because one or both of them doesn’t really know what makes them happy, or because one or both of them is stopping them from getting along. It could also mean that they are basically at odds with each other. What does Northey say? “Start to notice patterns of not making up your mind and find out where they come from to make sure nothing is blocking a healthy attachment.“
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