Growing up in a family where favoritism exists can have lasting emotional and psychological effects. While some parents might deny that they have a favorite, research and anecdotal evidence suggest that many children perceive differential treatment. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that parental favoritism can negatively affect children’s self-esteem and mental health, particularly when it is sustained over time. If you often felt like the “less loved” child during your formative years, there may be subtle or even glaring signs that this dynamic has shaped who you are today. Here are nine signs you were not the favorite child and how those experiences may still be impacting your adult life.
1. You Constantly Seek Approval
One of the most common long-term effects of being the unfavored child is an incessant need for approval. As a child, you may have tried harder than your siblings to gain your parents’ attention or validation but never received it in the way you hoped. This unmet need can carry into adulthood, where you might find yourself overly reliant on external validation. Whether it’s from your employer, friends, or romantic partner, the praise you never received growing up now fuels your sense of worth. This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, overachievement, or burnout as you strive to prove yourself worthy.
2. You Struggle With Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem often stems from childhood experiences, especially if you were consistently compared to a sibling who could seemingly do no wrong. If your accomplishments were minimized or overlooked in favor of your sibling’s, you may have internalized a belief that you are less capable or less worthy. Even as an adult, this can affect your career, relationships, and personal goals. You might hesitate to take risks or assert yourself because a voice in your head still questions your value.
3. You Harbor Resentment Toward Your Siblings
It is natural for sibling relationships to be complicated, but when favoritism is involved, these dynamics can become especially strained. You may still feel a deep sense of resentment or jealousy toward your sibling, even if they were not responsible for the favoritism. These feelings can persist well into adulthood, impacting your ability to maintain close family ties. In some cases, this unresolved resentment may cause you to distance yourself from family events or limit contact with certain relatives.
4. You Avoid Conflict at All Costs
Being the non-favorite child often means learning to stay quiet, avoid rocking the boat, and suppress your feelings. Parents may have been less receptive to your complaints or emotions, brushing them aside in favor of maintaining peace or focusing on the favored child. As a result, you might have grown up to avoid conflict, even when it is necessary. This can lead to passive-aggressive communication, unmet needs in relationships, and a general fear of asserting your boundaries.
5. You Overcompensate in Your Own Parenting
Many adults who were not the favorite child attempt to break the cycle when they have children of their own. This often results in overcompensating. You may go out of your way to treat your children equally, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. While fairness is crucial in parenting, the fear of repeating your parents’ mistakes can make you hypervigilant and emotionally drained. In trying so hard to be the opposite of your parents, you might lose sight of what your children actually need as individuals.
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6. You Have Difficulty Trusting Others
Trust issues are common among those who grew up feeling like they could not rely on their parents for unconditional love and support. When the people who were supposed to nurture and protect you seemed to prefer someone else, it undermined your basic sense of security. As an adult, you might find it hard to believe that others care about you for who you are. You may question their motives or distance yourself emotionally to avoid potential rejection. This lack of trust can affect romantic relationships, friendships, and even your professional life.
7. You Internalize Criticism More Deeply
Criticism can be hard for anyone to hear, but if you were not the favorite child, it might hit you especially hard. This is because you may have grown up being judged more harshly or feeling like your efforts were never good enough. You might interpret even constructive feedback as a personal attack, triggering old feelings of inadequacy. This hypersensitivity can make it difficult to grow professionally or emotionally, as you may shy away from opportunities that involve evaluation or judgment.
8. You Overanalyze Social Interactions
Being treated as less important in your family can make you hyperaware of social dynamics. You might constantly evaluate whether people like you, respect you, or are secretly comparing you to someone else. This level of overthinking often stems from a childhood spent trying to decode your parents’ moods and preferences. Even in harmless social situations, your mind may go into overdrive, looking for hidden meanings or signs of rejection. This can lead to social anxiety and difficulty forming genuine connections.
9. You Feel Uncomfortable With Praise
Ironically, many people who were not the favorite child struggle to accept praise, even when they crave it. If positive reinforcement was rare or felt insincere growing up, you might have learned to distrust compliments. As an adult, you could find yourself downplaying your achievements or brushing off kind words. This discomfort with praise stems from a deep-seated belief that you are not good enough or do not deserve recognition. It can also hinder your ability to celebrate your successes and feel pride in your accomplishments.
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Moving Forward: Healing from Parental Favoritism
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward healing. It is important to understand that the way you were treated as a child was not your fault. Parents may have played favorites for various reasons, including personality compatibility, birth order, or unconscious bias. While you cannot change the past, you can take steps to reshape your self-perception and relationships moving forward.
Therapy can be especially helpful in unpacking the emotional baggage associated with parental favoritism. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and inner child work are particularly effective in addressing low self-esteem, trust issues, and the need for validation. Setting boundaries with family members and communicating your feelings openly, when safe to do so, can also be a powerful part of the healing process.
It is also helpful to cultivate relationships where you feel valued and supported. Whether through friends, a partner, or a chosen family, surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you can counterbalance the effects of a difficult upbringing. Practice self-compassion and recognize your worth independent of your parents’ opinions or behaviors.
Lastly, if you are a parent yourself, know that the awareness of how favoritism affected you is already a significant step in breaking the cycle. Strive for fairness and empathy in your parenting, while also acknowledging that children are individuals with different needs and personalities. Being conscious of these dynamics can help create a healthier, more balanced family environment.
Parental favoritism can leave a lasting mark, but it does not have to define your future. By identifying the signs and taking proactive steps to heal, you can reclaim your self-worth and build a more fulfilling life.
Disclaimer: This article was created with AI assistance and edited by a human for accuracy and clarity.
