Every Monday at dawn, I head to the local pool to start my day in solitude. Swimming in silence, followed by a peaceful coffee and a moment to reflect, has become my cherished morning ritual. This isn’t something you’d expect from someone with two children and a partner. But thanks to the unique setup my partner and I share, I can have these quiet mornings. We’ve joined the Living Apart Together (LAT) movement—a choice that has transformed our relationship.
Discovering Love Amid Life’s Chaos
When Ben and I first met, we were both navigating the aftermath of divorce and learning to co-parent. It was a turbulent period, yet we found hope in each other, realizing that a successful relationship could look different from traditional setups. We didn’t want to mesh our lives in the conventional sense. Instead, we wanted a partnership where love and commitment were central, but independence remained intact.
The Decision to Keep Our Own Spaces
As we fell in love, I made a promise to stay honest with myself about what I needed. Though I wanted to be with Ben, combining homes and families didn’t feel right for me. Having separate households gave me the space to establish boundaries, which I found essential for my well-being and for the longevity of our relationship.
Balancing Family and Togetherness
Living just a mile apart, we’ve designed our schedules around co-parenting our children. For two weeks, we focus on our kids, and during the next two, we prioritize each other. We’re together when it feels right, and we spend some nights at a small home we bought together as a shared retreat. This arrangement gives us balance—time for family and time for us.
Cherishing the Novelty
Being apart has allowed us to escape the “hedonic adaptation treadmill,” the tendency to grow numb to things we love. Each reunion feels fresh, with that familiar excitement of reconnecting. Ben’s warm greetings and our fond goodbyes remind me of the early days of romance, bringing a sense of novelty that isn’t always present in live-in relationships.
Maintaining Space for Self-Reflection
The quiet time that living separately affords us has been invaluable. I’ve had the chance to listen deeply to myself and to evaluate what love means to me without the constant noise of daily interactions. This self-reflection keeps me grounded and allows me to be a better partner when we’re together, making our time richer and more intentional.
Reducing Relationship Stress
Living together often adds unnecessary stress, as Heather Dempsey, who also has an LAT relationship, once shared. In her experience, sharing a home created tension, as both partners felt compelled to focus entirely on each other’s needs. Living separately allows each of us to approach the relationship with patience and clarity, avoiding the friction that can arise when living under one roof.
Expert Validation for Our Choice
Family therapist Dr. Ann Turner agrees that LAT relationships offer many benefits, especially for those who seek partnership without sacrificing independence. She explains that single parents, in particular, might find this arrangement helpful, as it allows them to keep their relationship and parenting roles distinct. Without the stress of shared living, LAT couples can foster deeper, more meaningful connections.
Embracing the Simplicity of LAT
Although I know that not everyone understands our LAT arrangement, I’ve come to appreciate the simplicity it brings. Living separately means fewer small frustrations—no debates about closet space or cleaning habits—and more focus on enjoying each other’s company. I’m grateful for the calm of my home and the specialness that each visit with Ben holds.
Choosing Intentional Love
In the end, this relationship setup requires us to make intentional choices every day. We can’t rely on proximity to sustain our bond; instead, we actively show up for each other. For now, the LAT approach gives us a balance of joy and independence that feels right. Though life may eventually lead us to a different choice, I’m content savoring each moment and each shared experience in its own time and space.
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